To Tame a Goblin King
by Jaycie Victory
Summary: "She walked into a scene straight out of those weird posters every college boy had had on his wall in the late nineties, stairways that travelled in every direction, but never seemed to go anywhere. After a few seconds more, she could see Sheldeth, now dressed in head-to-toe leather." What happens when Penny is the one swept into the Labyrinth?


**Shenny at the Movies**

 **A/N This comes courtesy of a challenge from the brilliant Shenny HQ. (** www. the bigbang theoryhq. com) **The challenge is to take your favorite movie scene and rewrite it for Sheldon and Penny. I've already failed as I went over the word limit (sorry, DsneyNutz!), but I had so much fun, I decided to go ahead and post it anyway.**

 **I originally opted not to state outright what the movie is, but after the sad, sad death of David Bowie, I decided to make this a tribute in my own small, silly way to what I think was a truly fantastic performance as the Goblin King.**

 **I found it almost too easy to bend the movie characters into their TBBT counterparts, and can't you just picture Jim Parsons in those pants? ;)**

 **Hope you enjoy :D**

* * *

 **To Tame a Goblin King**

"Penny, no go. Penny fwend!"

Despite her eagerness to get on with the battle, Penny smiled at the worried-looking beast.

Zludo wasn't the sharpest monster in the box but he was big and strong, and loyal and kind.

If he hadn't been, you know, covered in orange hair and… not human… he was the exactly the kind of guy she might have gone for.

Dumb but lovable.

Also, that trick of summoning rocks was wicked helpful.

Especially right after Sir Wolowitzus had accidentally broken the bridge over the Bog of Eternal Stench leaving her one thin branch and a few inches away from a lifetime as a social outcast.

Her temper towards Wolowitzus had not been improved by the fact he'd been showing off at the time. Arguing with Hoffle about how his design was perfect, how he was an engineer and had built the bridge himself, at the same time as hitting it repeatedly with his cane thingy.

Needless to say the bridge had given way just as she was in the middle of it.

Still though, he'd risked his hide to help rescue her a few minutes later, and offered to join them on their quest without being asked.

In his own funny way, he was quite the hero, with his sharp, clever little face and heinous fashion sense (who combines a roll-neck with a doublet?), an odd combination of old-school chivalry and total lech.

He even came with his own horse... sort of.

Sir Wolowitzus and his noble steed Rajeshus.

(She found that whole set-up weird, actually. Why would a fox ride a dog? And why, when they were both animals, could Wolowitzus talk, but not Rajeshus?)

Rajeshus was a shaggy-haired Old English sheepdog except his coat was brown and his ears were black. He looked super cute, but was almost totally useless: running away at the first sign of trouble and so shy he squeaked whenever she spoke to him. But he'd looked hugely pleased when she petted him, and for all his terrible cowardice he was clearly devoted to his master.

She'd even begun to wonder if there might be a little more to that relationship, the way those two carried on, until Sir Wolowitzus' repeated attempts to hit on her suggested otherwise.

(Rajeshus might be the actual hound, but it was Sir Wolowitzus that had tried to hump her leg.)

Once she'd suspended him by his ears over the Bog he'd cottoned on to the fact she wasn't interested and they'd gotten along much better. (He still insisted on calling her "My lady" in slightly smarmy accents, but she'd take what she could get.)

Wolowitzus's voice chimed in with Zludo's urgings, stating again that she needn't go in alone.

Hoffle remained silent, but the furrow over his deep-set eyes told their own story.

Hoffle – which she'd shortened from Hofstader, 'cos who in their right mind would want to be called that? – was another one hard to figure out.

Gnarled and hunched, he was either a very short human or a very tall gnome, but he had kind eyes, when they weren't screwed up with discontent or lingering a little too long.

She could have hog-tied him for his betrayal with the peach – had been tempted to – but there was something so pitiable about him. And, yeah, he'd betrayed her but he'd also helped her inside the walls when she couldn't figure out a way in, and come back to save her from those weirdo pink creatures that could remove their heads. ("Kripkes", he'd called them.)

They were the freakiest-ass things she'd ever seen, with laughs that grated, a cruel sense of humour and wandering hands that tried to pull her into their games. They'd also had really weird accents – near identical voices all sporting the worst speech impediment she'd ever heard.

Yeah, Hoffle's loyalty had definitely had a question mark over it more than once. And for the life of her, she couldn't figure out what his deal was with The Goblin King.

There was some kind of love/hate relationship going on there where he did everything Sheldeth asked yet bitched about him non-stop. He seemed genuinely fearful of his power but then scornful behind his back. He'd grudgingly referred to him as the most intelligent creature in the Underground, and when he spoke about him his voice teetered somewhere between admiration and deep bitterness.

Sometimes she thought there was some jealousy mixed in there, too, but of what exactly it wasn't clear; there'd definitely been something weird going on with him after the peach and the dancing in the trippy, whacked-out ballroom.

In fact, she thought maybe part of the reason he'd regretted his decision and started really helping her was panic at the way she and Sheldeth had been staring at one another.

Not that he'd been there to see it. Wolowitzus had informed her, with the definite thrill of someone relaying gossip, that they had watched the whole scene in one of those crystal thingies. ( _Man,_ did she want to get her one of those: they could be the key to finally getting her dream job – plus they were so shiny.)

In the end she'd forgiven him for screwing up. She kinda felt she'd had to. He'd come good in the end and she got the feeling he didn't have that many people in his life, probably had some deep psychological childhood trauma going on where Mommy didn't love him.

And he'd proven his worth as they fought their way through The Goblin City.

That didn't mean she'd put up with his crap, though. Especially that possessive shit that reared its head every now and then.

Like now.

"But, Penny," Hoffle's voice had turned nasal, close to a whine, "you shouldn't face him on your own. What if he gets the better of you?"

Penny blew a raspberry. "I've matched him fine so far. In fact, I've blown up half his kingdom. If anything, he should be afraid of me. And I think he kinda is. Remember what he said? That no one should be that good at combat?"

Hoffle looked unhappy. "Actually, he said no one as attractive as you should be that good at combat."

Penny smirked slightly in reminiscence. "Oh, yeah… Look, guys, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but this is something I have to do on my own."

And before they could offer any other arguments she turned away and strode up the stairs into the castle.

She walked into a scene straight out of those weird posters every college boy had had on his wall in the late nineties, stairways that travelled in every direction, but never seemed to go anywhere.

After a few seconds she located TJ, crawling up a staircase, looking quite unconcerned by the fact he was currently upside-down and should be plummeting to his death.

After a few seconds more, she could see – and hear – Sheldeth, now dressed in head-to-toe leather (yowza).

(He had a nice voice, she'd give him that, but none of the residents of the Underground had managed to explain to her why they periodically broke into song.)

She focused on TJ and trying to traverse the impossible stairways, trying to reach him.

Her sister's son was a pain in the ass, but he didn't deserve to be here, and he definitely didn't deserve Sheldeth's threat of being permanently turned into a goblin.

After a few false starts and several gut-churning moments where her stomach insisted she was walking on the ceiling and gravity insisted she was mistaken, she grew bored, rolled her eyes and leapt off the edge of a balcony to where her nephew sat many feet below, playing with a crystal.

One slo-mo, artistically pleasing fall later, the castle had broken into pieces, floating above and away, and she touched down outside, under a red sky.

Sheldeth rematerialized, gliding from the shadows, this time in some kind of bat-crap crazy bird-influenced costume.

The feathers almost blended with his 80s rocker hair, hair that looked wildly soft and spiked in all directions.

He should have looked ridiculous, but somehow, as Penny's hormones were quick to inform her, against all logic and against her previous types, he looked ridiculously hot.

Maybe it had something to do with those spectacularly pissed-off piercing eyes that bored through her. Or maybe it had something to do with those long lean legs that seemed to go on forever and their sprayed-on pants that led to their inevitable juncture… whoa there, girl. Eyes on the goal.

Her gaze lifted to meet pale, blazing eyes set in alabaster skin… he still looked insanely pissed but also... perplexed and… something else. A different kind of heat.

Okay, so _maybe_ Hoffle had had a point about the looks the two of them shot one another.

She cleared her throat, forcing herself to focus on the matter at hand.

"Give me the child."

"Penny, beware." Sheldeth's lip curled. "I have been generous up until now. I can be cruel."

Her mouth fell open in outrage. "Generous! What have you done that's generous?"

" _Everything_!" he shot back hotly, sounding indignant. "Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I _was_ frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside-down, and I have done it all for _you_! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations. Isn't that generous?"

Penny watched him curiously. He really believed what he was saying. Whack-a-doodle.

A strange calm overtook her. Words rose to her lips.

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered," was it her imagination, or was he starting to look nervous? "I have fought my way here to the castle beyond The Goblin City." She took a step forward; he took a step back. "For my will is as strong as yours-"

"Stop!" His hand shot out – half warning, half plea. He _was_ nervous! "Wait." With a flick of his wrist he conjured a crystal out of the air. "Look, what I am offering you – your dreams!"

 _Don't look at the pretty crystal, Penny. Don't look!_

She focused her thoughts on TJ and carried on talking.

"And my kingdom as great..." She continued stepping forward; he continued stepping back.

"I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want."

He was almost panting, mouth falling open, tongue darting out to lick pale lips. It distracted her, her mind turning blank.

"My kingdom as great... _Damn._ I can never remember that line..."

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."

There was something desperate in Sheldeth's tone. Something childlike. Close to a whine.

The whine of a toddler that knows it's already beaten.

Penny's back straightened. She threw back her shoulders and assumed her best bad-ass Galadriel pose: "You have no power over me!"

A look of total horror crept over Sheldeth's features; he threw the crystal into the air, and the world went slo-mo once more.

What was left of the castle was flickering, rippling, starting to melt away.

Penny's stomach began to swoop in anticipation, recognising the sensation, knowing it was about to be wrenched away.

Sheldeth's flailing arms sent his cloak flying; it reminded her of a panicked child not knowing what to do and something in her responded, something in her didn't like to see him so lost.

The world stopped spinning. The castle ruins reasserted itself. There were flagstones beneath her feet once more.

Sheldeth's arms had stopped flailing, his breathing calmed a little. He no longer looked panicked... he was back to looking royally pissed-off.

"No! No! No! You can't win! I always win!" He stamped his foot. He actually stamped his foot! How could one person be so cute and so irritating at the same time?

Amused but slightly confused, Penny folded her arms. "Clearly, you don't. Sooo... what's the word, humming bird? What now?"

Sheldeth folded his arms, mirroring her posture. "What do you mean 'what now'? You mean you didn't think this through? Typical." He threw his hands up in the air. "You waltz in here and mess with time and space, with no thought for the consequences... Just typical!"

Penny ignored his huffing and focused on the facts at hands. She was still in the Labyrinth and TJ was nowhere to be seen. "But... it should be over now, right? TJ's back home, right? So... shouldn't the air go all melty again and take me back home, too?"

"Yes, well, apparently, you don't want to be home yet." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Penny was intrigued. "You mean I did this? I kept me here?"

"Well, I sure as heck didn't!" The piercing eyes opened again and glared at her.

His tone nettled. "Look here, bucko, it's your fault I'm here in the first place! I'm not the one who goes around stealing people's babies!"

His eyes bugged wide. "My fault? My fault! _You're_ the one who wished for me to come and take him!" He drew himself up to his full height.

"What? Nah-uh! Not even! That wasn't a request – that was me rehearsing lines!"

Sheldeth halted, mid-swelling with indignation. "Rehearsing lines?" he repeated, looking thoroughly non-plussed.

"Yeah – for a community theatre play." Penny used her best "duh" voice.

"Oh." His alabaster skin streaked with colour. "Well, it appears I may have acted precipitately."

"Ya think?" She should have been furious; her whole life had been turned upside-down – literally. Instead she was back to being amused.

Sheldeth was on the ropes but apparently not quite down for the count. "The blame is not entirely my own. You mortals should learn your mythology better – what kind of idiot writes down a summoning spell and turns it into yokel entertainment? Besides, I've been punished enough: you think I want a drooling, wailing infant cluttering up the place and disturbing my valuable work? They are walking pathogens. If I had my way, I would ignore any such summons. But," he sighed unhappily, "the rules must be adhered to, else chaos ensues."

"Work? What kind of work does a Goblin King do?" Penny asked, diverted.

"The fusion of magic and physics." He waved a hand and the air rippled. Once it settled they were back in the throne room and she could see strange, previously invisible equations written on almost every surface. "Unifying them is the key to unlocking infinite knowledge and power. I have already had some success – how else do you think I made the orthogonal stairway?" He gestured at a piece of it as it floated past them. His pleased smile gave way to a glare. "Of course, I'll have to rebuild that now someone wrecked it…"

Penny cocked her head. "I know a friendly monster who works wonders with rocks… he could howl those pieces back together in a jiffy."

He shot towards her, shoulders hunching over as he folded his arms. "You tamed the Rock Beast?" There was a fascinated look in his eye.

She allowed herself a smug smile. "Honey, I once got a bull to stop mid-charge. Winning over Zludo was child's play."

"Hmmm." He tapped a finger against his lips, looking thoughtful. His eyes flickered and she got the impression a thousand thoughts went through his head in the few seconds before he refocused on her. "I don't suppose you'd consider staying on in the Underground as my assistant? You seem to have quite a knack for manipulating the Labyrinth and…" he hesitated, suddenly looking adorably vulnerable, "you also appear to have mastered the science I find hardest: harnessing social capital." She wrinkled her nose at him. "You win people over, and then they do things for you," he translated.

Penny tapped her upper lip, unconsciously mimicking him. "Are you asking me to work with you?"

He frowned at her. " _For_ me," he said, with decided emphasis.

Penny, however, was busy turning things over in her mind. "What would I get in return?"

He pursed his lips appraisingly. "How about a part in the new Fox drama?"

"Seriously?" she squealed. "You can do that?"

He looked condescending. "Of course I can… How else do you think that network stayed on the air so long if not through witchcraft? It will run for five seasons and go into syndication."

She got her internal screaming under control and assumed a poker face – vital when you were negotiating. "So, if I stayed, I'd get to come and go as I please?"

"Within reason. We'll draw up a mutually beneficial schedule as part of the Agreement." Something in his tone suggested that word began with a capital.

"And you'll teach me how to do magic?" she pursued.

"If you are able to learn. Magic, together with physics, encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies. " His arrogance was back in full force, though it faltered a moment later. "Though you already show signs of some aptitude."

But Penny wasn't quite done. "And you'll throw in the shiny crystal as well?"

He shot her an are-you-kidding-me look. "Fine."

Her poker face broke. "Hell, yeah, I'll come work with you!" she beamed.

" _For_ me!" Sheldeth repeated, scowling.

She scowled right back, stepping forward until they were toe-to-toe. "That stops right here. None of this 'for you' crap. We're equals or nothing. I beat your stupid-ass Labyrinth and you have no power over me, remember? So we either do this on equal footing or not at all."

The right side of his face spasmed like he was having a fit. When he spoke she could actually hear how hard his teeth were gritted. "Fine! You may work _with_ me."

Penny nodded, as if it had been a foregone conclusion. "Good. Well, now we've got that straight..."

She grabbed him by the lapels of his crazy feather jacket, yanked him forwards till his lips met hers and finally gave way to the _insane_ chemistry that had been bubbling between them since he first showed up at her door as an owl.

(Best not look at that too closely.)

She wasn't prepared for the tidal wave of feeling that broke over her. It made her press against him and grind her mouth into his.

She could feel every line of him through his skin-tight outfit. _Every_ line.

Judging by the helpless little noises he was making and the way he moulded her against him with surprising strength, he was feeling much the same.

Finally, when oxygen became an issue, they parted, lips tingling and pelvis fizzing.

"Fascinating." Sheldeth was unconsciously humming. "Perhaps there are some further advantages to keeping you around that I had not considered."

"You bet your sweet ass there are."

She pulled away from him and plopped down on the throne; hooking her legs over the side, she surveyed the room with a deeply satisfied air.

"I think I'm gonna like it here."

A disapproving throat-clearing made her look up.

"Penny, you're in my spot."

 _fin_


End file.
